Women have many personality types, so how do so many of us become people-pleasers? We recently discussed this in a post about Human Giver Syndrome as a hidden culprit behind women’s mental health issues. We also offered five strategies to overcome it and reduce burnout. One such strategy is to find out what happens when you say “no.” This may sound difficult or even a little scary, but in truth, boundaries can bring us closer together.
You Come By It Honestly
In Breaking the Cycle of People-Pleasing, Ilene Strauss Cohen Ph.D. suggests looking to your family and upbringing for insights on how you became a people-pleaser. Maybe your family’s cultural beliefs taught you that putting other people first, valuing harmony, and minimizing conflicts were fundamental and would be rewarded with affection and approval. Conversely, you may have been forced into a position of having to take care of siblings or a parent, or made to feel like you shouldn’t take up space unless you were serving others.
Unfortunately, we often bring these patterns into adulthood, and people-pleasing can create anxiety in relationships. If you constantly conform to other people’s desires—whether it’s a partner, family, or friends—you can feel unappreciated, unheard, and fearful about expressing your needs and wishes.
“This behavior often stems from a fear of abandonment or rejection, leading individuals to
suppress their needs in favor of others,” said Cohen. “However, when emotional wounds are left unresolved, they can manifest in relationship anxiety. This is because constant people-pleasing doesn't allow for authentic communication or expressing personal needs, which are crucial for healthy relationships.”
Cohen suggests the solution lies in developing differentiation of self. That involves holding onto your sense of self when communicating with others and becoming more emotionally self-reliant. It also means discovering what you want and need and learning to assert those in your relationships.
Boundaries are Beautiful Things
“Boundaries have nothing to do with whether you love someone or not,” said author Cheryl Strayed in Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on Love and Life from Dear Sugar. “They are not judgments, punishments, or betrayals. They are a purely peaceable thing: the basic principles you identify for yourself that define the behaviors that you will tolerate from others, as well as the responses you will have to those behaviors. Boundaries teach people how to treat you, and they teach you how to respect yourself.”
Did you know that there are actually three types of boundaries? Only one of them deals with what other people do, but all three can help you feel safer, respected, more resilient, and closer to those you care about. Dr. Juliane Taylor Shore, the author of Setting Boundaries that Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected, and Empowered, reviewed the three boundaries and how to use them in a Therapist Uncensored podcast.
One: External/behavioral boundary
This is the boundary you are likely most familiar with, which involves other people’s behaviors.
One example might be, “I want to talk with you, but I can’t do that when you’re yelling at me.” Or in response to being asked to do something you don’t want to do or have the energy to do: “I’d love to help you, but I can’t.” It’s not a judgment that the other person is wrong. It’s just saying, “That doesn’t work for me.”
Sound daunting? It’s helpful to have the other two types of boundaries in place first.
Two: Psychological boundary (aka the "Jello Wall")
This boundary isn’t about keeping someone else out because they feel dangerous or demanding. It’s about connecting to yourself.
Your mind processes differently than someone else’s. Shore recommends creating a mental image that helps remind you that you and others are separate people. Her image is a thick Jello wall. When words are coming at you, the image slows them down and allows you to ask yourself, is this true or not true? and is this about me or not about me?
If it’s not true, don’t let it pass through the wall and hurt you. If it’s not about you, consider it information about what’s going on with them, and just maybe you can approach that information with curiosity instead of anger.
Of course, this is much easier when someone calmly raises a concern, but what about when an accusation is “coming in hot?” The Jello wall (or whatever image works for you) is even more important. Whether the issue is true or not, a raised voice is not about you, so don’t let that in as a personal attack. At that point, you can go back to setting an external boundary of pausing until the other person can talk calmly.
If you’re too activated to figure out if it’s true or if it’s about you, take some space to work through your image process. “Our minds are fast and reactive so we need a moment to decide,” Shore said.
When you protect your heart from what isn’t about you, it helps you stay open to real feedback that is about you.
Three: Containing boundary
This boundary keeps you from acting out, whether what’s going on is about you or not.
You have an inner small child, and not everything they want to do is appropriate (think of a four-year-old). You also have an inner teenager, a protector who gets easily upset and defensive when they feel the child is being attacked.
If someone comes to you with something that’s true and about you, you can remind the small child that just because you did something that’s wrong, it doesn’t mean that you are wrong or bad. Your teenager part may try to say the other person is making a big deal out of nothing or that the person is bad. That teenaged protector needs reminding that it’s okay for your partner, friend, or family member to bring you a concern that is valid.
This can be particularly hard if you experienced trauma as a child. Shore describes the childhood trauma experience as a combination of being overwhelmed and feeling alone. She suggests picturing yourself at the age you experienced the trauma and placing that visual image of yourself somewhere in your body. Then, place your hand over that part of your body and comfort them: “I see you. I’m here with you. Breathe. What you’re feeling isn’t going to last forever.” This can start to bring healing to that child in you.
By telling those parts of you that you’re okay when you have done something wrong, you can start to catch yourself before you have a shame attack so those parts of you don’t take over. You can even place your hand over that part of your body that contains the child in that moment and silently remind them they are okay before you determine how to respond.
If your containing boundary is in place and your partner is yelling, you can stop yourself from yelling back, which only escalates the situation. “I can use it to teach my internal parts to stand behind me and trust my adult, integrated brain to handle things,” Shore said.
Like many helpful tools, creating these boundaries and your mental image (or Jello wall) takes time and practice.
Initially, you may only feel one second of pause before your typical defenses kick in, but that’s a start. With practice, that can build to three seconds, and then your teenage protector starts to notice you feel safer. One day, you may notice you are able to keep your defenses and protector at bay. In the meantime, treat yourself with patience and kindness. This is a gift you are building for yourself and the people you care about.
It’s About Respecting Yourself and Others
It can be hard to change patterns of people-pleasing, but remember that we don’t get to control other people, and it isn’t respectful to try. Also, it’s not your job to take care of their feelings. “It’s actually respectful and benevolent for me to allow an adult human being to process their own emotions,” Shore said in the podcast.
Connect to the parts of you that want to feel needed or that don’t want to do anything wrong, tend to them, and then you can say “no” with compassion for another person’s situation: “I hear your need, and I understand how that must feel, but I cannot do that.”
Shore frames healthy, productive interactions within an illustration of a tennis match. It doesn’t work if you go over to their side of the net and hit the ball for them. It also doesn’t work if you throw down your racket and run away. You can only regulate yourself on your side of the net.
When Your Boundaries Aren’t Respected
Boundaries are a statement of your self-worth. You are treating yourself like a valuable person worthy of protection. If anyone replies to your boundaries with shaming, guilt-tripping, or anger, or if you feel unsafe speaking up, please talk with someone who can help.
Schedule a free consult call with a therapist at Her Time Therapy, PLLC. This integrative group counseling practice is based in Denver, Colorado, and comprises highly trained mental health therapists who specialize in providing convenient and empowering online mental health counseling for women in Colorado.
Call/Text (720) 255-1667 | info@hertimetherapy.com | www.hertimetherapy.com
Amy Moulton (she/her) is a Clinical Mental Health Graduate Student Intern offering affordable counseling services to Her Time Therapy Clients under the supervision of Julie Noyes, MA LPC NCC and Adams State University professors. Amy is passionate about helping women navigate the stress, anxiety, and identity issues that can come with big life transitions like divorce, the search for a new career, or empty nest syndrome.
*Disclaimer: This blog does not provide medical advice and the information contained herein is for informational purposes only. This blog is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of a licensed health provider before undertaking a new treatment or health care regimen.
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