If I asked you to list a handful of elements that make up healthy relationships, what would you say? I bet good communication would be on there. Trust would likely be too. You might also mention mutual respect, empathy, compromise, and constructive conflict resolution, among many other things. And you wouldn’t be wrong! So then why do so many of us struggle in our relationships? Why does it feel like we can't seem to get it right, despite knowing what we “should” be doing? Why is it so hard?
The fact is, we are all imperfect, complex humans (ugh, so annoying, I know). And when imperfect, complex humans—each with their own experiences, communication styles, attachment patterns, and preferences—come together, it can highlight how vast the gap between knowing the elements of a healthy relationship and truly living them out can be.
Life’s challenges, past traumas, and individual differences can make it difficult to consistently apply these elements. Miscommunications, unmet expectations, and emotional baggage can create barriers that even the most well-intentioned partners struggle to overcome. Additionally, being in healthy relationships requires ongoing effort, which can be exhausting and overwhelming at times with everything else we have going on in life.
But the commitment to building and nurturing healthy relationships in you life is not just worthwhile—it is vital to overall lifetime health and fulfillment. According to the longest study ever conducted on human happiness by researchers at Harvard, the number one predictor of a happy and healthy life is satisfaction in relationships, especially when it comes to marriages and partnerships. The study highlights that the quality of our relationships significantly impacts our mental, emotional, and even physical well-being, underscoring the importance of investing time and effort into fostering meaningful connections.
Truly healthy relationships—whether with romantic partners, friends, or family—don't just happen. Building and maintaining these connections is an ongoing journey and requires attention and care. But you are worthy of the happiness, love, and connection you seek—and it starts with knowing yourself.
Unlocking Attachment Patterns, Unlocking Self
Have you heard of attachment theory, the psychological framework that explores how our early interactions with caregivers (we’re talking from the ages of 0-2) shape how we relate to others throughout our lives? If you have, does your face resemble the mind-blown emoji every time you think about it? 🤯 Because mine certainly does.
If you haven’t heard of attachment theory (or need a refresher), let me explain: each of us has an attachment style we’ve developed that influences our behaviors, expectations, and patterns in relationships, often without us even realizing it. Essentially, our attachment style is expressed through “the subconscious rules we have for love and connection,” says Thais Gibson, psychotherapist and attachment theory expert.
Getting to know your attachment style can be a major step in building healthy relationships via developing awareness of what’s behind your relationship dynamics and using that knowledge to recognize patterns, improve your interactions, and cultivate healthier connections. That might sound overwhelming, so let’s just start with the basics.
There are four main attachment styles:
Secure Attachment: Individuals with a secure attachment style are well-attuned to their
own emotions, can communicate their needs effectively, and possess the skills to resolve conflicts without compromising their sense of security or independence. These individuals likely had caregivers who were emotionally available and consistently attentive, providing a safe environment for them to express and navigate their feelings without fear of judgment.
Avoidant (or Dismissive) Attachment: Those with an avoidant attachment style tend to keep emotional distance from loved ones and often subconsciously link intimacy with abandonment and pain, leading them to sabotage or entirely avoid close relationships. Children who develop this style typically learn early on that expressing emotions can lead to shame or negative consequences, and they often had to rely on themselves to meet their needs.
Anxious (or Preoccupied) Attachment: Individuals with an anxious attachment style tend to dive into relationships quickly and cling tightly to their partners. Growing up with caregivers who were inconsistent or emotionally unpredictable, these individuals become hyper-vigilant to signs of abandonment or rejection. They go to great lengths to prevent these outcomes, even at the expense of their own well-being.
Disorganized (or Fearful-Avoidant) Attachment: People with a disorganized attachment style often experienced abuse or trauma in early childhood. According to the Attachment Project, this style emerges when caregivers, who should be sources of safety, become sources of fear. As adults, these individuals struggle to feel secure in relationships and to trust others.
Do any of those sound familiar? I get that it might be daunting and painful if you’re one of those not in the secure attachment category. But there’s good news: your attachment style does not have to be permanent and does not doom you to a lifelong struggle in relationships.
We can edge closer to secure attachment by unearthing our underlying motivations, understanding their origins, and doing the work of replacing them with healthier patterns and beliefs.
As with all pursuits that are worthwhile, attachment theory work is a process (one that a trained therapist can help you with) and it begins with awareness. If you're curious to know more, here are some resources for exploring attachment theory further:
The Impact of Values
We all operate from a set of beliefs that are the guiding principles that define what we stand for and what matters. These beliefs—or values—help shape our behaviors, decisions, and interactions. As with attachment styles, we may be operating on autopilot, not totally aware of what our values are or how they influence our lives. But understanding your values is another way to lay the groundwork for healthier relationships, so that's what we'll be exploring next.
Living in congruence with your values means living in harmony with your most authentic self. In the context of relationships, when our values align with those of our partners, friends, or family, it creates a powerful bond that enhances trust, respect, and mutual understanding. Conversely, when we are living out of alignment with our values, personally or relationship-wise, it can create discord and distress.
Let’s take, for example, the value of independence. If one of your values is independence, living congruently might look like making decisions that prioritize your autonomy, setting boundaries that protect your personal choices, and pursuing goals that enhance your self-reliance. Living incongruently, on the other hand, might look like seeking approval from others, suppressing your own needs and desires to fit in, and neglecting your personal growth for the sake of maintaining a dependent relationship.
If you and your partner lack shared values, it can lead to a range of challenges and conflicts. Misaligned values can cause misunderstandings, resentment, and a sense of disconnection. Let's go back to our independence example. If you value independence but your partner values constant togetherness, this disparity can create tension and frustration. Each partner may feel unfulfilled, leading to emotional distance.
Can people with different values have a successful relationship? Yes, but it’s going to take (you guessed it) work! Partners need to have a clear understanding of their own values, a willingness to communicate openly and honestly about them, and a commitment to respecting and honoring each other’s values. It involves finding common ground, making compromises, and supporting each other’s personal growth, even when it means not seeing eye-to-eye.
Remember in the introduction when I asked: why is it so hard? A misalignment (or unawareness) of values could be the culprit for why relationships are feeling difficult.
Want to explore more about values? Try this personal values test or check out this great post on how to figure out your core values.
Relationship Health: What to Look For
At this point you might be thinking: wait a second. This blog post is supposed to be about building healthy relationships and so far, it’s been all about me. What about the other person? What work are they putting in? Those are valid questions! Especially since women often take on the emotional labor in a relationship.
And you're right: building healthy relationships includes the effort of each person in the relationship. However, we are ultimately only in control of ourselves and cannot force anybody else to do their own work. But one thing we can do is seek to understand the dynamics of the relationship you're in.
It might be helpful to put this in terms of green flags, yellow flags, and red flags as one way to assess the quality of your interactions and make informed decisions about your relationship. Let’s dive into how these flags can provide insight into the health of your connection and what they mean for building and maintaining a fulfilling relationship.
Green Flags
Green flags are the positive indicators that a relationship is healthy and beneficial. These are the traits and behaviors that signal a strong, supportive, and respectful connection.
Here are some key green flags to look out for:
Mutual Respect: Both partners respect each other’s boundaries, opinions, and individuality.
Open Communication: Honest, open, and empathetic communication is a regular practice.
Shared Values: Common values and goals that align, creating a solid foundation for the relationship.
Trust and Reliability: Consistent trustworthiness and reliability, making each partner feel secure.
Supportive Behavior: Encouragement and support for each other’s growth and aspirations.
Yellow Flags
Yellow flags are cautionary signals that suggest potential issues or areas of concern in a relationship. These are not deal-breakers on their own, but they indicate that something needs attention and improvement.
Here are some common yellow flags:
Inconsistent Communication: Occasional lapses in communication or misunderstandings that need addressing.
Mismatched Values: Differences in values or goals that require negotiation and compromise.
Emotional Distance: Periods of emotional detachment or lack of intimacy that need exploration.
Minor Trust Issues: Small instances of unreliability or dishonesty that need to be resolved.
Uneven Effort: One partner putting in more effort than the other, leading to imbalance and resentment.
Red Flags
Red flags are the serious warning signs that indicate a relationship is unhealthy and potentially harmful. These behaviors and traits should never be ignored, as they can lead to significant emotional or physical harm.
Here are the major red flags to be aware of:
Disrespect and Contempt: Consistent disrespect, belittling, or contemptuous behavior towards one another.
Lack of Communication: Chronic communication breakdowns, stonewalling, or avoidance of important discussions.
Fundamental Value Conflicts: Deep-seated differences in core values or life goals that cause ongoing conflict.
Betrayal of Trust: Repeated instances of dishonesty, infidelity, or broken promises.
Abusive Behavior: Any form of physical, emotional, or psychological abuse, including controlling or manipulative behavior. If you suspect you're in an abusive relationship, help is available. Call the national domestic violence hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE, text START to 88788, or chat at https://www.thehotline.org/.
Understanding these flags can empower you to make informed decisions about your relationships. Recognizing green flags helps reinforce positive behaviors, while addressing yellow flags (such as through couples counseling) can prevent them from turning into red flags. Most importantly, acknowledging red flags is vital for protecting your well-being and ensuring that you are in a healthy and supportive relationship.
By being mindful of these indicators, you can better navigate your relationships and foster connections that are fulfilling, respectful, and aligned with your values. Remember, healthy relationships require ongoing effort, self-awareness, and a commitment to mutual growth and respect.
Embracing the Journey of Connection
Navigating the path to healthy relationships is both a personal journey and a shared endeavor. While we often focus on the essential elements of relationships—good communication, trust, respect, empathy, and shared values—it’s crucial to recognize that truly thriving connections require more than just knowing what to do. The complexity of human nature, including our unique attachment styles and core values, adds layers of depth to how we interact with others.
Ultimately, building and maintaining healthy relationships is a continuous and evolving process. It demands self-awareness, ongoing effort, and a willingness to grow both individually and together. Your path to fulfilling relationships starts with understanding
and respecting yourself and extends to nurturing genuine, supportive bonds with those around you.
If you’re ready to take the next step in building more fulfilling relationships and gaining deeper self-awareness, contact us for a free consultation or request an appointment for individual or couples counseling.
Whether you’re looking to unravel the complexities of your attachment style, align your values with your relationships, set healthy boundaries, or foster a more authentic and satisfying connection with yourself and others, a counselor at Her Time Therapy, PLLC can provide the support and expertise needed to make meaningful changes. Your wellbeing is worth it!
Call/Text (720) 255-1667 | info@hertimetherapy.com | www.hertimetherapy.com
Lauren Veazey, MA, LPCC, NCC, is a Licensed Professional Counseling Candidate and Assistant Practice Manager for Her Time Therapy, PLLC, a group therapy practice specializing in teletherapy for women. With a particular passion for working with the perinatal and postpartum population, busy/overwhelmed women, and those experiencing grief, she believes in the healing power of therapy for women to love themselves, trust themselves, and know themselves.
*Disclaimer: This blog does not provide medical advice and the information contained herein is for informational purposes only. This blog is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of a licensed health provider before undertaking a new treatment or health care regimen.
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